i like her. and she's bi. there's a chance. i could take the plunge.

"We don't know, you can never be sure. But you take the plunge anyway. Sure is for people who don't love enough." - imagine me & you

i like her so much. i've never fallen this hard. and i was so determined to tell her today. but she wasn't in her room. that was just pure coincidence. or was it fate?

i have a choice. this is my choice. i've made it. i'm telling her. and i have four days to reach my goal.

i'm going to kiss a girl by october 1st.

(i'm almost making my misery into poetry. i guess it's how i cope.)



tonight, for an hour, i tore out any rational thought, and walked to the pond with a certain boy named michael.  it was dark all around, but there was just enough light to see silhouettes and shadows. soon, we were naked, kissing in the lake's warm waters under the brilliant map of stars. romantic to any one else's taste, but of course, i didn't feel a thing. whenever he kissed my neck, i tilted my head back and shot my eyes to the sky, hoping to see a meteor so i could wish that i enjoyed this. wish that i would put an end to this crazy fling we've had going since we were thirteen years old.

but oh no, it didn't stop at the skinny dipping. then we threw on our clothes and made out on the lake's grassy edge. and then we retreated to his backyard where he got a blanket so we could roll around and start our rendezvous all over again.... this time, getting subtly eaten alive by mosquitoes.

i don't like him. but i lust for kisses and intimacy. and he just so happens to be available at my convenience. he doesn't feel it, but we don't fit right. everytime i pressed myself against him, i wish he'd sprout breasts and get that obnoxious boner away from my bellybutton. hooking up with him has never hurt me as much as it has this summer. before this year, i could put it in the back of my mind, leave my doubts at bay.

but in the moment, i like the attention. i like how much control i have; how much power.

i'm wondering how many times i'm going to have to break to finally learn how to glue myself back together.

brian told me one day, "you're getting older everyday." yes, i am. thanks for reminding me.

and then here i go, watching "imagine me & you" and "d.e.b.s.", getting nothing but false hope and lost time. i don't like this. readfield is killing me.

i'm really sad right now. and i can't tell this to anyone. i can't pinpoint it, either. i just know something isn't right.

i mean, there's a thunderstorm about to happen outside, and my window's open, and when the wind blew really hard into me, i.. i can't explain it. i feel something. something inside of me is bursting to come out. i'm incomplete. something's missing.

maybe this is what heartache feels like. but how can my heart ache if i've never been in love? maybe that's all it's aching for.

i feel like a dumbass. no surprise.

i just watched 'the curious case of benjamin button". it made me wonder what my life would be like if i had to write it all out. i really really really want to take the creative non-fiction class in the spring semester; apparently you have to do a 40+ page autobiography. the length is intimidating, but i think part of me wants to do it anyway. not just for a class.


seems the only time i get inspiration is when my world is falling apart. (have i said that before? i feel like i have. oh well. i still mean it.)

some things in my life i look back on and cringe. like, how embarrassing my actions were, even though they didn't seem like it at the time. it gets so bad, it makes me unable to even want to think about again, and i can't even replay it in my head all the way through, i get too mortified.

i need to let it go. what happened, happened.

que sera, sera. you'd think i'd get that by now.

theoretically speaking.... if i die tomorrow, i'll be unfufilled. i have done hardly anything in my life that thrills me, or completes me.

i want to go to a bonfire on the beach at night. i want to laugh until sunrise. i want to sleep under the stars. i want to wake up lying next to someone who means the world to me. i want to explore. i want to make mistakes and have time to correct them, if it means i'm experiencing something.

i want to go to bed knowing i did something worth-while.

i need to live.

i'm getting fat again.

well no one can tell, but i can.

my goal is to look like olivia in this icon. how i used to look this winter.

(can i please sidetrack a bit to totally drool over olivia wilde in my icon.... okay, thanks.)

so my 'surrender' story i haven't updated in well over a year. i just don't have inspiration to write it. it's about two girls in this fantastic roller-coaster of relationship, and to be honest, it makes me depressed writing it. i haven't had a relationship like that, so how am i so good at describing it?

i'm tired of living vicariously through my sims. i need a girl.

and not just because she's a 'girl', but because of the companionship, friendship, more than friendship.... i want it all.

by the way i'm writing, it makes it seem like i'm desperate. but i'm only desperate in writing-- in real life, no one would know the difference.

in real life, most people believe i'm straight.

fuck, that needs to change.